Fifty Shades of Grey, The Movie: Is Improvement Even a Possibility?

fifty shades of grey

My Facebook newsfeed has been blowing up over the news of Dakota Johnson and Charlie Hunnam playing Anastasia Steele and Christian Grey in the film adaptation of 50 Shades of Grey.

The mob is unhappy.  They have such a clear picture in their minds of who Christian and Anastasia are that it seems any physical materialization of them is somehow a letdown.

My question is – why?

I found these two characters to be two of the most, if not the most transparent of any (I hesitate to even call it) novels that I have read.

I have no idea who Anastasia and Christian are, but more importantly, I don’t care.  I didn’t jump on the 50 Shades of Spanking Sexypants bandwagon.  There’s nothing new here.  There’s nothing that pushes the boundaries.  And not one scene in 50 Shades of Grey turned me on at all.  If I wanted to read scene after scene of sex that is so predictable despite its so-called raunchy edge, I would head on over to my bookmarked Hanson and Titanic fanfiction from 1997.  Yes, you heard me.

Maybe it’s because I don’t believe, as I did when I was 13, that an orgasm will appear instantaneously, as easily as switching on a lightbulb.  And the chances of that happening once are probably as likely as getting struck by lightning.  Twice?  Even less.  20+ times?  Now you’re just fucking with us.

Maybe I don’t like the idea that yet another clumsy, awkward, nerdy girl feels the need to be subjugated in order to find love.

And hell – if I wanted to read about some asshole pulling out a vapid girl’s tampon before they do the nasty – well, I just wouldn’t!  That is the equivalent of the coldest shower in the world.

Because you know what?  A 15 year-old could construct a better story and frankly, their storytelling techniques would be an improvement over the big lump of shit that E.L. James rolled in Funfetti sprinkles and marketed as romance.

How are they going to adapt this to film?  And by the way, the fact that Charlie Hunnam is going to be starring in the upcoming film Pacific Rim was not lost on me. This is going to be like Last Tango in Paris meets Twilight. 

I guess I just don’t get it.

I don’t understand how it appeals to someone’s romantic side, or how it would ever improve a couple’s sex life.  No offense, but if you need pointers from E.L. James, I think it might be time to hit the Romantic Depot instead.

What do you think – do you think they could actually make this a worthwhile piece of cinema?  Or another throwaway?

PS: If you haven’t already seen this – watch it (I know, it annoys me that his name is spelled incorrectly, too)

Categories: Entertainment

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2 replies

  1. “This is going to be like Last Tango in Paris meets Twilight” I started laughing out loud – in a bus – in Sweden (which makes the whole experience completely inappropriate). You wrote exactly what I think about the book and/or movie.

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