A T’re Grows in Jersey


Last season’s epic season premiere of Real Housewives of New Jersey has succeeded in setting each subsequent season up for failure.  As episodes go, this one was fairly tame.  The Wakiles, Gorgas, and Guidices headed to the Jersey Shore for some sun and scuffle while the Manzos and  Lauritas stayed home to kvetch about migraines and irresponsible offspring.  Let’s catch up with each housewife…

Jacqueline: America’s favorite doormat.  So according to her New Season 4 intro, she is a Vegas girl now?  I guess when the going gets tough, the tough relocate, if only in their own mind — I can’t help but be reminded of Ashlee with her Los Angeles mantra last season.  Speaking of Ashlee, that young woman looks like a cheap call girl.  It’s clear to me that Jacqueline had CJ and Nicholas to try for an Ashlee do-over, and I’m willing to bet that Ashlee notices it, too.

And Jacqueline, way to admit that driving your intoxicated daughter home safely is an inconvenience for you and your husband.  I agree that Ashlee is being irresponsible, but be glad she’s calling you for a ride home instead of trusting some back alley low-life to get her home safely.  And why not sit down as a family and discuss this new ultimatum, instead of hiding out in the tv room and leaving the dirty work to Chris?  Chris couldn’t discipline a seeing-eye dog, let alone a defiant twenty-year old who on the path to being porn-bound.  For all their arguments with their daughter, I have yet to see any constructive advice given to her over the last three years.  I’m also completely perplexed as to why they think moving her to Sin City will help ground her.  Very sad.

Caroline: Mama Bear is going through the change.  Well, at least she won’t have to worry about any of that pesky facial hair that women complain about during menopause, since she’s been shaving her entire face for the last 20 years.  And if she is suffering from such severe migraines,  why on earth didn’t she visit a neurologist instead of that unprofessional snake-oil salesman of a doctor?  As a sufferer myself, I can tell you that migraines occurring every other day is nothing to sneeze at.  I hope he’s giving her some good medication.  And why is it okay for Lauren Manzo to give Jacqueline and Chris advice about Ashlee?  Learn some boundaries, beast.  That girl is one step away from cutting a bitch  – beware.  That’s what happens when you play second-fiddle to two feckless brothers for your entire life – Caroline, take note.

Melissa:  Why on earth would she film your son being potty trained on national television?  And what was up with that filthy toilet seat?  For all her squawking about being a perfect housewife and keeping things clean for her husband, here’s a tip, Melissa: buy a toilet brush and USE IT once a week!  No one wants to see your family’s accumulated toilet funk.  Ugh.  On a positive note, Antonia is gorgeous.  And I have a soft spot for Joe.  He seems the better sibling of the two, although that’s kind of like choosing between two presidential candidates.  They seem genuinely happy and in love… in their construction zone of a beach house.  Kids, if you work hard – this could be your life, too!

Kathy: Still my favorite – cute little Gecko that she is.  I thought her Jersey Shore house was the cutest of the bunch.  How I’ve missed Rich and his lacrosse goggle-glasses.  I could have done without watching him pack up his male enhancement gel for the trip to Jersey.  I wonder if he has special prescription sex goggles, too… Then there’s Rosie! Holy cow, which lumberjack show did she escape from?

Teresa: Still looks like her brother in drag.  Teresa, if you’re reading, please, I beg of you, don’t try to argue in a logical fashion.  Ever.  Did she really give Caroline a copy of the book that caused World War 3 last season?  I have to admit that I am jealous of her beautiful German Shepherds.  That family doesn’t deserve them, and clearly they act as a phallic extension for Juicy Joe.  How Teresa has managed to stay married to that swollen, greasy tick of a man for so many years is beyond me.  And I truly feel for her kids, having Tourette’s at such a young age.

We’ll see what happens with these ladies over the course of Season 4.  I’m looking forward to Dina’s cameo – we could certainly benefit from some of her zen energy.

Until next week…! 

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  1. Jacqueline Laurita and I: A Twitter Affair « Vegan Cinephile
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